My first recollection of even thinking that something could possibly be wrong with me was months after I stopped taking the pill. I didn't connect the pill and hair loss for at least a year after I was off the pill.
I remember visiting my family in Toronto in Aug 2012 and how happy I was to see all my family after so many years. As a house guest, I was always trying to keep our living quarters as neat as possible. One day after styling my hair I happen to glance on the floor and noticed all the loose hairs on the ground. There were many! Black hair is quite noticeable on a white tile floor! I don't think it even shocked me then because I was convinced that all this loose hair was because I had a baby....but just wait, my baby was already 2 1/2 years old. And usually, my hair stops after a year at the most. But of course, it had to be happening because I had a baby. It just had to be. I was only only 33 and hair loss happens like when your 60, right? I was in a state of hope, denial and thank goodness not shock...that would come later!
The summer came and gone, so did autumn and winter of 2012. I don't have any memory of dwelling much on my hair. I know it was falling out, but I was still ignoring any real problem and thinking that eventually it would stop. I'm glad I was still clueless. I was happy then.
Then April of 2013 rolled around. I remember washing my hair in the shower and just feeling long strands of hair falling through my fingers. It had always been happening, but now my mind was awakened. I had to do it again just to make sure and ran my fingers through my hair and even more hair fell out. But everyone loses hair each day, yet a clump of hair and another clump of hair can't possibly be normal. That feeling of shock overcame me. What the heck was happening? Freaking out is an understatement. Initial thought...is it cancer? But usually hair falls out because of chemo, so hopefully that's not it. Blowdrying and straightening my hair caused even more hair to fall out.
The mind plays powerful games with you. Far fetched scenarios and thoughts can mess up your mind and affect your mood. I felt devastated!
Boom, Bam, Boom!!!...my hair loss came silently and suddenly. It cut through my confidence, my self worth, and any good feelings I had about myself. It cut deep.
It's only hair, what's the big deal? It can grow back. The thought of "be grateful your alive" twirled in my head...
But it's my hair. I'm only 33. My hair is a part of my identity. Hair and image validates who I am. Have you ever seen a balding woman before who is younger than 60? "What's going on?" screams the other part of me....panic and shock!
So I Googled hair loss. I found a lot remedies to help prevent hair loss from washing your hair with eggs and mayonnaise, taking iron pills, not blowdrying your hair, using Rogaine and meditating. Many articles mentioned hair loss due to stress and also because of giving birth. For the time being that satisfied my fears.
Maybe it was stress, except I felt awesome. I had been training hard for my first marathon and felt the best that I ever felt. Maybe it was because I had a baby, but now my baby was 3 years old. Maybe my diet was off balance, but I was eating more protein than ever which is supposed to promote hair growth...maybe it was this, maybe it was that???
So I tried it all. I highly recommend not washing your hair with eggs and mayonnaise. I started taking vitamins, eating healthy foods, and not styling it with heat. Nothing really helped. I tried hair loss shampoos, but was very weary about using them. First, they are really expensive and all claim that you won't see much growth after 8 months. None guaranteed hair growth and none guaranteed that my hair would stop falling out. After reading tons of reviews, and I means tons, it was obvious that hair shampoos was a gamble and didn't have the money to find out if it worked.
So here I was in May of 2013 just feeling hopeless, devastated and hopeless even more!
Now, in a long term perspective my hair loss isn't that bad. My health problems could be much worse. I could be dying or fighting a battle to live. Many would trade their illness for my baldness, but my journey and my story isn't just about hair loss.
It's about giving up a life you once knew for something that you wish you never had. We all go through that. My story isn't much different than a person going through divorce, losing your job, failing in school, not being accepted to your favorite college or sports team, and fighting an illness.
My life changed that day. My happy bubble that I was living in, suddenly popped. The life I knew disappeared and here I was alone faced with a choice.
Adversity, whether great or small, can build you up or tear you down. It can remind you of your blessings or it can drive you into a hole of self pity. Adversity can make you reflect on the positive or can poison your soul with bitterness.
So I remembered looking in the mirror, crying as hair after hair fell out knowing I had to make a choice...and wasn't quite sure what it would be.
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