Discouraged, Not Defeated

I didn't think it would happen to me. I've read about all the race mishaps that could happen, but carefully tried to prevent them from happening. "Hitting the wall" and having weird digestive issues has always been my biggest fear on race day so carefully, I would make sure my nutrition was on spot up until race day....and so far I haven't hit the wall, fortunately.

Running has been my activity where I can push myself beyond limits that I didn't know I was capable of. It has also been the activity where I felt my strongest and my healthiest. I enjoy running, yet I hate the time commitment it takes to be strong. Running is not a sport of instant gratification. It's slow, steady, and grueling. 

If I could devote 24/7 to running maybe I would be this super awesomeness runner. My reality is I am a mother, a wife and currently I'm working a graveyard shift job the night before my Saturday races. I'm use to functioning on a few hours of sleep, but unfortunately my sleep deprivation caught up to me. Word of advice: Do not run a marathon...26.2 miles...on 3 hours of sleep in 48 hours and expect to do well. Sleep is crucial.

I am not exaggerating about my lack of sleep. I wasn't planning on being sleep deprived, everything just got busy and Friday night I had the worse sleep ever. I went to work Midnight Friday morning, after only 2 hours of sleep, till 8:30 am. My plan was to take a nap after work, but I had to run errands, shop, pack, clean house, drop my daughter off at school, take care of my son, pick up my other daughter from school and by the time I knew it was already 5pm Friday....functioning on only 2 hours of sleep.

In the back of my head, I was nervous. The ride to Timothy Lake, Mt Hood area was about 2 hours, and I tried to take a nap. Every little bit helped, but I was lacking a deep sleep. I surely thought I would get at a least 6 hours of sleep that night...nope. We unpacked, set up tent, enjoyed a nice campfire and I think everyone was exhausted by 9pm since we all worked or went to school that day. The kids crashed immediately and we went to bed right away....naively we forgot how cold it gets up in the mountains.

It got cold, so cold that I felt like I was an icicle. My feet were frozen and my body was chilled. It was cold!!! My eyes were closed, but my body never went into that deep sleep. My muscles got all kinked because I was curled in the most awkward positions just trying to stay warm that in the morning I was sore all over....did I mention how cold it was??. I swear it was close to freezing. 

JR was just as cold that by 4:30 am Saturday when the sun was barely breaking, we both went outside, built a fire and did our best to stay warm.

I was tired, yet convinced myself I was still capable of running this race.

8:30am the sun was coming out and it was quickly warming up. As the race started, my feet were literally frozen and numb and didn't thaw out till about 2 miles in...

The marathon course was beautiful. This was my first Trail Marathon. I was jumping over fallen logs, running through majestic forests, trying to skip over rocks and running through rugged terrain. This was absolutely my favorite course I've ran so far. The course wasn't challenging. My body just fell apart.

My heart and my mind believes I can run a marathon. My desire and spirit to run is strong. My willpower to finish is mighty, but I learned from this run, my body isn't strong when it's lacking energy. Without sleep, no energy...

At mile 11 I really started to feel that lack of energy. I tried fighting it knowing I still had 15 miles to go. I was a little off pace but thought if I could finish the 13.1 half by 2 1/2 hours I still could manage to finish. I finished the half in that time limit and realized my pace was getting slower with each step I got. At 3 hours into the race, I was barely at 15 miles....so off pace and getting discouraged.

I was tired. I knew I wouldn't make a PR and would surpass my old Marathon time. 11 miles to go and all I wanted to do was finish, but even mathematically it was going be tough. So I had to stop focusing on time, which was disappointing, because I want to perform my best, but knew now the goal just to finish would be challenging enough.

The Timberline Marathon wasn't a huge marathon. Maybe only 130-150 runners. With such a small group, I found myself running solo for at least 15 miles. I don't mind the solitude. In such a beautiful forest I enjoyed it...but the mind can play tricks on you. I didn't know if anyone was behind me and at times just felt alone. I questioned my purpose of running. I don't need races to validate who I am, running isn't my life and I'm in no way ever going to win a race, so why should I race anyways? I came upon aid station at mile 18 and was about to throw in the towel, but for some reason I kept going...what's the reason?

4 hours into the race I was only at mile 19. It took me an hour to run 4 miles!! So discouraging. All those hours I trained seem to not matter. I couldn't believe how weak my body was. All I wanted to do was sleep.

Doing the calculations in my head I had 2 1/2 hours to run 7 miles. That seem impossible...I was exhausted, so exhausted. My legs couldn't move. I knew an aid station was coming up at around mile 20...maybe I would throw in towel then. I wanted to, but with every ounce I had I kept going.

6 miles...I've already ran 20, can't quit now. But those 6 miles hurt and mentally I was fighting not to give up. Unfortunately, discouragement got the best of me. I tried my positive mantras, but grey clouds of discouragement really clouded my thoughts. Running is such a mental battle just as it is physical. 

Mile 24 I didn't care about time. I didn't care if I was last one. I didn't care if everyone left. I was going to finish. My legs hurt. Those were the 2 longest miles of my life...

6:04:01....I finished

And at the finish line when I was about to just fall down and cry I saw 2 friends who surprisingly came to this race to see me finish. They gave me that last burst of energy to finish. Margarita Beard and They Christiansen are rock stars and great runners too. I don't think they realize how weak I felt, both physically and mentally and to hear them cheer me on to finish was such a sweet act of encouragement and was awesome! I am grateful for them...thank you!!

So where do I go from here? Plans have changed. I had 6 hours to contemplate and ponder about my need to run. Am I done with running...not quite yet, but my focus is different...

Do I love running?.........

So Silently It Came

My first recollection of even thinking that something could possibly be wrong with me was months after I stopped taking the pill. I didn't connect the pill and hair loss for at least a year after I was off the pill.

I remember visiting my family in Toronto in Aug 2012 and how happy I was to see all my family after so many years. As a house guest, I was always trying to keep our living quarters as neat as possible. One day after styling my hair I happen to glance on the floor and noticed all the loose hairs on the ground. There were many! Black hair is quite noticeable on a white tile floor! I don't think it even shocked me then because I was convinced that all this loose hair was because I had a baby....but just wait, my baby was already 2 1/2 years old. And usually, my hair stops after a year at the most. But of course, it had to be happening because I had a baby. It just had to be. I was only only 33 and hair loss happens like when your 60, right? I was in a state of hope, denial and thank goodness not shock...that would come later!

The summer came and gone, so did autumn and winter of 2012. I don't have any memory of dwelling much on my hair. I know it was falling out, but I was still ignoring any real problem and thinking that eventually it would stop. I'm glad I was still clueless. I was happy then.

Then April of 2013 rolled around. I remember washing my hair in the shower and just feeling long strands of hair falling through my fingers. It had always been happening, but now my mind was awakened. I had to do it again just to make sure and ran my fingers through my hair and even more hair fell out. But everyone loses hair each day, yet a clump of hair and another clump of hair can't possibly be normal. That feeling of shock overcame me. What the heck was happening? Freaking out is an understatement. Initial thought...is it cancer? But usually hair falls out because of chemo, so hopefully that's not it. Blowdrying and straightening my hair caused even more hair to fall out.

The mind plays powerful games with you. Far fetched scenarios and thoughts can mess up your mind and affect your mood. I felt devastated!

Boom, Bam, Boom!!!...my hair loss came silently and suddenly. It cut through my confidence, my self worth, and any good feelings I had about myself. It cut deep.

It's only hair, what's the big deal? It can grow back. The thought of "be grateful your alive" twirled in my head...

But it's my hair. I'm only 33. My hair is a part of my identity. Hair and image validates who I am. Have you ever seen a balding woman before who is younger than 60? "What's going on?" screams the other part of me....panic and shock!

So I Googled hair loss. I found a lot remedies to help prevent hair loss from washing your hair with eggs and mayonnaise, taking iron pills, not blowdrying your hair, using Rogaine and meditating. Many articles mentioned hair loss due to stress and also because of giving birth. For the time being that satisfied my fears.

 Maybe it was stress, except I felt awesome. I had been training hard for my first marathon and felt the best that I ever felt. Maybe it was because I had a baby, but now my baby was 3 years old. Maybe my diet was off balance, but I was eating more protein than ever which is supposed to promote hair growth...maybe it was this, maybe it was that???

So I tried it all. I highly recommend not washing your hair with eggs and mayonnaise. I started taking vitamins, eating healthy foods, and not styling it with heat. Nothing really helped. I tried hair loss shampoos, but was very weary about using them. First, they are really expensive and all claim that you won't see much growth after 8 months. None guaranteed hair growth and none guaranteed that my hair would stop falling out. After reading tons of reviews, and I means tons, it was obvious that hair shampoos was a gamble and didn't have the money to find out if it worked.

So here I was in May of 2013 just feeling hopeless, devastated and hopeless even more!

Now, in a long term perspective my hair loss isn't that bad. My health problems could be much worse. I could be dying or fighting a battle to live. Many would trade their illness for my baldness, but my journey and my story isn't just about hair loss.

It's about giving up a life you once knew for something that you wish you never had. We all go through that. My story isn't much different than a person going through divorce, losing your job, failing in school, not being accepted to your favorite college or sports team, and fighting an illness.

My life changed that day. My happy bubble that I was living in, suddenly popped. The life I knew disappeared and here I was alone faced with a choice.

Adversity, whether great or small, can build you up or tear you down. It can remind you of your blessings or it can drive you into a hole of self pity. Adversity can make you reflect on the positive or can poison your soul with bitterness.

So I remembered looking in the mirror, crying as hair after hair fell out knowing I had to make a choice...and wasn't quite sure what it would be.

If Only I Knew- Part 2

I used to have thick full hair- so thick that you couldn't even wrap an elastic band around your pony tail twice. I can't say I ever had beautiful hair. It was always frizzy and had this funky wave that never wanted to cooperate. I always thought my hair was a curse and I remember wishing to have thin hair. I guess I should watch out for what I wish for...wishes can come true. If only I knew that my thick hair was a blessing, I would not have taken it for granted.

I didn't realize my hair was falling out so drastically right away. I had just given birth to my fourth child and had experienced hair loss before after birth because of a change in hormones. It's actually quite normal, but it will eventually stop. In this case it never did.

I never a was a pill popping birth control advocate. I've actually always had mixed feelings about taking them. Only 2 times in life had I taken the pill. Growing up in the LDS faith I cherished my role as mother and had been taught repeatedly the importance of "Multiplying and replenishing the earth" and the nobility of motherhood.  Getting closer to child bearing years and marriage I had to do some soul searching. Without official church doctrine, only guidelines to help you make a personal decision, I chose at that time that the pill would be temporary method to help plan my family. I didn't experience any harsh or sudden effects in my early year of marriage and when we felt the time was right, I got off the pill and had no trouble getting pregnant. Over the next ten years, I didn't use the pill because having children was important to me.

After 6 pregnancies, 3 C-sections and 4 children I had to do some soul searching again about motherhood and raising children. Not knowing exactly what I wanted and having not experienced any harsh effects with the pill, I decided that I would give it a try again. Thing is, I never really understood what the Birth Control Pill really was. In some sense, I was still naive. I trusted doctors and modern medicine (and at times, still do). I had never really heard any negative side effects from taking the pill except for weight gain and increased acne. In my naive state, I thought the pill was just some kind of medicine that stop pregnancies. So naive, I didn't even realize that the Birth control pills were hormones that would drastically change the balance of my hormones which could never be balanced again. Trust me, I was so naive that sometimes I wish I could slap myself on the forehead and say "Duh, I'm dumb!" At that time, the pros outweighed the cons...if only I knew!

So I made a choice. Do I regret it? Sometimes, but at that time and with the knowledge I had, I made a choice that I felt was right. I've beaten myself with the "what if's and the "why me's" but it doesn't change anything.

This post isn't about the why or why nots of taking the pill. There are some in my church that are strongly opposed to taking it. Good for you! I admire your strong faith and belief. There are those like me who uses faith, medical science, logic, trust in God and in one self to make a decision. Is that bad? I don't know. Women who don't take the pill are not any better than those who did or who do. Why compare our decision with others. Women are notorious for secretly comparing themselves or putting others down silently to feel better about themselves.... I've come to peace with my choice.

Anything that has to do with contraception, family planning, birth control has been hush, hush topics especially in a religious setting. My mother wasn't great at educating me and I really had no one to talk to or sources to inform me. I had all the religious teachings of why the pill might not be the best option, but not much medical advice. Today, even doctors don't inform you about these side effects- maybe feeling the pressure of pharmaceuticals- they try to sell them to you. Now with the increase of technology, thankfully there are more articles and women speaking up. Maybe my story isn't new, but it's mine and now I have a choice to live it or hide from it. I choose the former....

If Only I Knew- Part 1

Have you ever wondered if you could change the past because that one critical choice could shape your future? Some choices are full of regret, sadness, sorrow or the complete opposite and are full of happiness and joy. I use to question "Why did this  happen to me?" and "If Only I Knew" maybe I would of chose something else. Today I don't live with sadness and depression. Today I live with acceptance!

I am a marathon runner. I've only ran 1 official full marathon so far, 5 official half marathons, have logged in hundreds of miles of training runs an am currently training for 2 full marathons, 2 half marathons and a 50K.  I won't be writing much on the technical aspects of running because there are tons of blogs about that, but basically how running has changed me and given me the confidence to endure and face fear with faith. "If only I knew" how exhilarating it felt to push through limits when you legs are hurting and your mind says no mo more, but you keep going anyways, I would have started sooner!

I have Androgenic Alopecia...what is that? I had a friend ask me if that was some type of cancer. No, thank goodness! And because of that I am grateful because there are many who are struggling with life threatening illnesses, fighting a battle, and hoping to be a warrior. I admire them.
Androgenic Alopecia is the shrinking and miniaturizing of hair follicles due to a hormonal change and imbalance. I have an excess of DHT which is the male testosterone that simply wants to kill my follicles (click on the links to read more)....And the culprit for my mishap and hours of questioning "Why Me"....well it was the tiny, oh so tiny mischievous pill that seems like the ordinary thing to do called the Birth Control Pill. "If Only I Knew" I know things would have been different!

Over the next few posts I will be talking more about my relationship, my choice, my belief and my hatred for the birth control pill. I would love to inform other women, especially young women about the risks of taking the pill. I was never told, I never knew and wish I did. I was naive. If only I knew! I know many of you are passionate about not taking the pill due to your beliefs and religious reasons, some are neutral, and some believe the pill is an amazing medical invention. Some may think I deserve what happened to me because I took the pill and may criticize the very choice...gosh I criticize myself. But because of running I've learned to be strong and realize that the opinions of others about me have no significant impact on my life so think what you may, whisper behind my back but please give me no pity. I do not pity myself.