Running has been my activity where I can push myself beyond limits that I didn't know I was capable of. It has also been the activity where I felt my strongest and my healthiest. I enjoy running, yet I hate the time commitment it takes to be strong. Running is not a sport of instant gratification. It's slow, steady, and grueling.
If I could devote 24/7 to running maybe I would be this super awesomeness runner. My reality is I am a mother, a wife and currently I'm working a graveyard shift job the night before my Saturday races. I'm use to functioning on a few hours of sleep, but unfortunately my sleep deprivation caught up to me. Word of advice: Do not run a marathon...26.2 miles...on 3 hours of sleep in 48 hours and expect to do well. Sleep is crucial.
I am not exaggerating about my lack of sleep. I wasn't planning on being sleep deprived, everything just got busy and Friday night I had the worse sleep ever. I went to work Midnight Friday morning, after only 2 hours of sleep, till 8:30 am. My plan was to take a nap after work, but I had to run errands, shop, pack, clean house, drop my daughter off at school, take care of my son, pick up my other daughter from school and by the time I knew it was already 5pm Friday....functioning on only 2 hours of sleep.
In the back of my head, I was nervous. The ride to Timothy Lake, Mt Hood area was about 2 hours, and I tried to take a nap. Every little bit helped, but I was lacking a deep sleep. I surely thought I would get at a least 6 hours of sleep that night...nope. We unpacked, set up tent, enjoyed a nice campfire and I think everyone was exhausted by 9pm since we all worked or went to school that day. The kids crashed immediately and we went to bed right away....naively we forgot how cold it gets up in the mountains.
It got cold, so cold that I felt like I was an icicle. My feet were frozen and my body was chilled. It was cold!!! My eyes were closed, but my body never went into that deep sleep. My muscles got all kinked because I was curled in the most awkward positions just trying to stay warm that in the morning I was sore all over....did I mention how cold it was??. I swear it was close to freezing.
JR was just as cold that by 4:30 am Saturday when the sun was barely breaking, we both went outside, built a fire and did our best to stay warm.
I was tired, yet convinced myself I was still capable of running this race.
8:30am the sun was coming out and it was quickly warming up. As the race started, my feet were literally frozen and numb and didn't thaw out till about 2 miles in...
The marathon course was beautiful. This was my first Trail Marathon. I was jumping over fallen logs, running through majestic forests, trying to skip over rocks and running through rugged terrain. This was absolutely my favorite course I've ran so far. The course wasn't challenging. My body just fell apart.
My heart and my mind believes I can run a marathon. My desire and spirit to run is strong. My willpower to finish is mighty, but I learned from this run, my body isn't strong when it's lacking energy. Without sleep, no energy...
At mile 11 I really started to feel that lack of energy. I tried fighting it knowing I still had 15 miles to go. I was a little off pace but thought if I could finish the 13.1 half by 2 1/2 hours I still could manage to finish. I finished the half in that time limit and realized my pace was getting slower with each step I got. At 3 hours into the race, I was barely at 15 miles....so off pace and getting discouraged.
I was tired. I knew I wouldn't make a PR and would surpass my old Marathon time. 11 miles to go and all I wanted to do was finish, but even mathematically it was going be tough. So I had to stop focusing on time, which was disappointing, because I want to perform my best, but knew now the goal just to finish would be challenging enough.
The Timberline Marathon wasn't a huge marathon. Maybe only 130-150 runners. With such a small group, I found myself running solo for at least 15 miles. I don't mind the solitude. In such a beautiful forest I enjoyed it...but the mind can play tricks on you. I didn't know if anyone was behind me and at times just felt alone. I questioned my purpose of running. I don't need races to validate who I am, running isn't my life and I'm in no way ever going to win a race, so why should I race anyways? I came upon aid station at mile 18 and was about to throw in the towel, but for some reason I kept going...what's the reason?
4 hours into the race I was only at mile 19. It took me an hour to run 4 miles!! So discouraging. All those hours I trained seem to not matter. I couldn't believe how weak my body was. All I wanted to do was sleep.
Doing the calculations in my head I had 2 1/2 hours to run 7 miles. That seem impossible...I was exhausted, so exhausted. My legs couldn't move. I knew an aid station was coming up at around mile 20...maybe I would throw in towel then. I wanted to, but with every ounce I had I kept going.
6 miles...I've already ran 20, can't quit now. But those 6 miles hurt and mentally I was fighting not to give up. Unfortunately, discouragement got the best of me. I tried my positive mantras, but grey clouds of discouragement really clouded my thoughts. Running is such a mental battle just as it is physical.
Mile 24 I didn't care about time. I didn't care if I was last one. I didn't care if everyone left. I was going to finish. My legs hurt. Those were the 2 longest miles of my life...
6:04:01....I finished
And at the finish line when I was about to just fall down and cry I saw 2 friends who surprisingly came to this race to see me finish. They gave me that last burst of energy to finish. Margarita Beard and They Christiansen are rock stars and great runners too. I don't think they realize how weak I felt, both physically and mentally and to hear them cheer me on to finish was such a sweet act of encouragement and was awesome! I am grateful for them...thank you!!
So where do I go from here? Plans have changed. I had 6 hours to contemplate and ponder about my need to run. Am I done with running...not quite yet, but my focus is different...
Do I love running?.........
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